What kid isn’t a gamer these days?
Unsurprisingly, almost every single young male in North America plays video games today (to be precise, it’s around 97%, according to various sources – including the Pew Research Center), and the current amount of video game usage is reported to be approximately two hours per day, on average.
At first glance, a statistic like this gives us the impression that daily gaming among boys and young men is a ‘normal’ phenomenon. After all, one can literally argue that ‘everybody else’ is doing it, so what’s the big deal? Why must we have restrictions on our boys? Do we want to risk limiting their peer-based experiences – especially since so much of their social life is woven into the gaming network itself? Do we really want to make them feel isolated in a world where the non-gamer is regarded as suspect or even – at best – weird?
And what about all the problem-solving skills that are apparently being forged through this pastime? Should we be denying them the potential educational opportunities that are coupled with recreational gaming? Besides that, isn’t it better that our kids are sitting safely in front of a console, socializing with other like-minded hobbyists, as opposed to drug-seeking or getting involved in dangerous activities outside the home?
I would definitely argue that while daily gaming among young males is indeed a common phenomenon, I struggle to see it as being a normal activity. ‘Common’ and ‘normal’ are two very different things.
At this point I realize that I run the risk of preaching to the choir (those who already regard the gaming movement with some suspicion) while ostracizing the gaming-sympathizers who are honestly trying to encourage a balanced lifestyle for their children. The fact remains that while the human race has always been dealing with stimulants, gaming itself (and the Internet as a whole) is a relatively new animal that seems to have unique predatorial effects on the mind. In a 2012 issue of the journal Brain Science, the authors discussed the findings of several neuroimaging studies when it comes to this subject:
On the molecular level, Internet addiction is characterized by an overall reward deficiency that entails decreased dopaminergic activity. On the level of neural circuitry, Internet and gaming addiction led to neuroadaptation and structural changes that occur as a consequence of prolonged increased activity in brain areas associated with addiction. On a behavioral level, Internet and gaming addicts appear to be constricted with regards to their cognitive functioning in various domains.
Regardless of what we may assume are healthy standards for gaming time, one thing we know for certain is the fact that the adolescent brain (typically among males) is in a radically underdeveloped state through the teen years, only fully developing around the mid 20’s. As such, the chemical reward system will have a vastly stronger – though distorted - influence on the young male. Pleasure associations are more likely to be disrupted, and the pursuit of synthetic rewards (ie. online gaming) can become notably more aggressive as the youth grows increasingly disabled in his ability to find an alternative. Over time, natural rewards begin to lose their value for the addicted youth (things like success, reading, praise, athleticism, and even food). Habituation settles into place, and tolerance becomes more pronounced. As discussed in the journal article:
…the reward system becomes deficient. This leads to the activation of the antireward system that decreases the addict’s capacity for experiencing biological reinforcers as pleasurable. Instead, he requires stronger reinforcers, i.e., their drug or behavior of choice, in larger amounts (i.e., tolerance develops) to experience reward.
Research also points to an especially problematic risk when it comes to games which involve real-time engagement with other players in remote locations, otherwise referred to as massive multi-player online role-playing games (MMORPGs). The irony of these social-based gaming venues is the way in which the socialization aspect itself quickly becomes a brutal antagonist to children’s mental health. In these types of games, socialization is reduced to hypervigilant connection and competition, as well as fleeting loyalties based on imaginary successes and losses. According to a meta review of Internet addiction studies in the journal Psychiatry Investigations, MMORPG users are more likely to be at risk for gaming addiction, depression, social anxiety, lowered conscientiousness, somatization, obsessive compulsiveness, psychoticism, and a general avoidance of real-life difficulties and challenges. As the journal discusses:
…players develop characters and interact collaboratively and competitively in a shared online world. MMORPGs enable simultaneous interaction among thousands of gamers. Thus, gameplay tends to emphasize socialization aspects. The never-ending and highly social nature of MMORPGs distinguishes them from other genres and might also increase their addictive nature.
Through any glance at the dialogue platforms associated with these games, one can quickly see the animalistic disregard for compassion, integrity and maturity among many players. If anything, the drive for manic, rapid-fire responses within socially-derived time constraints becomes quite evident on these platforms (Twitch and Discord – both aptly named by the way - currently being dominant versions used for this purpose). As the journal goes on to say:
This finding suggests that the MMORPG genre is particularly likely to lead to gaming addiction in general online game players as well as in problematic online gamers, and that MMORPG gamers seem to be more highly addicted than gamers in other genres. This phenomenon might be partially explained by the characteristics of MMORPGs, such as the endless series of games and their variable reinforcement schedules that encourage continued game play, similar to gambling.
When it comes to one’s own family situation, we can argue whether our particular teen is, in fact, “addicted” to their gaming rituals, and the research does seem to indicate that there is a spectrum of sorts when it comes to this kind of thing. Perhaps a more helpful term that’s currently being used in the scientific community is ‘Internet Gaming Disorder.’ Ultimately, we’re left to answer the difficult question of whether or not our child is struggling with problematic gaming. And one of the reasons why it’s such a taboo subject is because there is nothing visibly damaging going on with these activities. By all appearances, the child is merely socializing through a highly-sophisticated activity that is supposed to be providing all kinds of intellectual boosts. At the very least, the child is merely playing games with other online friends.
In actuality, the damage is far more insidious for the fact that it is happening within the very private, intimate and uniquely delicate confines of the underdeveloped brain. As the article in Brain Science points out:
…the longer a person is addicted to the Internet, the more severe brain atrophy becomes. Overall, the studies indicate that Internet and gaming addiction is associated with both changes in function as well as structure of the brain. Therefore, not only does this behavioral addiction increase the activity in brain regions commonly associated with substance-related addictions, but it appears to lead to neuroadaptation in such a way that the brain itself actually changes as a consequence of excessive engagement with the Internet and gaming.
Brain ‘atrophy’ is also listed as a risk factor for consistent gaming habituation, and this atrophy can be positively associated with a steady deficiency in one’s ability to manage real-life stressors. In 2017, an article in the journal European Psychiatry advised of a “statistically significant association between Internet Gaming Disorder and male gender, a higher degree of adolescent antisocial behavior, anger control problems, emotional distress, self-esteem problems, hyperactivity/inattention and parental anxiety.”
Given all of these concerns, it goes without saying that parents have a rather difficult dilemma on their hands. Parents of boys, in particular.
So what do we do about this?
Granted, it would be unrealistic to expect our boys to just eliminate gaming from their lives altogether (though I tip my hat to you if you’ve found a way to succeed in this). To some degree, I think we need to accept the fact that the gaming world is not going away anytime soon. If anything, the gaming industry will only find better ways to refine the dopaminergic ‘hook’ as technology becomes more enhanced.
Despite virtually all your efforts to push back against their influence, they will find your child!
But helping your child edge their way through this Amazonian-sized pixelated jungle doesn’t have to be a failing game either. As your youth continues to gravitate towards socialized gaming, the focus for you as a parent will be in finding controls and constraints that work for your child’s individual disposition, while simultaneously developing the parent-child relationship. In fact, I would argue that the integrity of that relationship should be your primary focus, hands down. Your rapport with your child will serve as the fulcrum upon which many other influences and potential dangers will be weighed against. If you can master that part, the risks of gaming will likely be lessened considerably.
Determining appropriate time constraints
As with any child’s access to resources, there needs to be some restrictions about gaming time. According to many sources, the going recommendation is 30 – 60 minutes per day (though many teens have self-reported about two hours per day, on average). My advice is to simply sit down with your child and try having a rational conversation about what is best. The emphasis here is on building a spirit of responsibility; your youth is more likely to feel like their agency is being taken seriously when they are included in these discussions.
And often these conversations can be surprisingly positive! But don’t be shocked if your kid eventually deviates from whatever agreement you come to. They are still children, after all, and the magnetic pull of the online world is sometimes just too powerful to compete with. In most cases, your child is not deliberately trying to defy your authority (unless you’re being a total jerk about it). The point is not to necessarily lock in a permanent action plan around screen time. It’s about helping them to be aware of where their precious time is going and reminding them of the need to have an action plan. Sometimes you will need to revisit this topic several times over, but this is more for the sake of keeping your child proactively involved in their own screen management as opposed to you being punitive about it. More than anything else, it’s about providing accountability while being supportive at the same time.
Discuss ramifications for deviance
What happens if we just let our kids self-manage on their own? Won’t they just grow out of gaming eventually?
That’s very possible. But speaking personally, I prefer not to leave my children’s cognitive and social development up to a game of Russian roulette. So long as I can help it, I want to install some healthy guardrails so that my kids don’t need to sacrifice significant milestones of their adolescent maturity-journey just so that they can feel the same as every other kid in the neighborhood.
Obviously, every kid’s sense of conscientiousness develops at rate that is unique to themselves.
As such, some boys will struggle to have ‘rational’ conversations with their parents about their gaming and Internet use, while others will not. In any case, having a clear understanding about screen limitations is key. While your child may not yet be capable of being much of a participant in discussions around screen management, they are still capable of knowing the consequences of breaching their boundaries. But this is where consistency and follow-through on your part is key. Orating a consequence out loud is easy to do, right? Being willing to actually carry out the ramification is a whole other skill; one which requires patience and a little bit of faith.
As for the type of consequence itself, the appropriateness of it will depend on what works best with your child. Removing privileges (or better yet – the tech devices themselves) can be a great tool, but this doesn’t necessarily work with every kid. Sure, you might succeed in blocking their use at home, but will they simply seek an alternate device somewhere else? In some cases, blocking a different privilege altogether may be the way to go. Whatever that is, you want to make it clear to your youth that illegitimate gaming access comes with a price, and there is a cost to pay accordingly. Much like the world itself does not reward relentless hedonism, you will not reward unhealthy life practices in your home.
In our own household, we’ve adopted a ‘restorative responsibility’ approach whereby our sons are required to complete extra chores as payment for breaking screen agreements. The number of chores are dependent upon the length of time the ‘crime’ is being carried out, and it is up to our kids to fulfil the responsibility if they want to reclaim their screen time. Admittedly, we make this easier on ourselves for the fact that we keep all devices and screens under lock and key – only to be doled out at pre-determined times. But the very fact that we’ve given ourselves the power to implement some consequential responsibility means that we don’t have to stress so much about getting them off their devices when their time is up. Should they refuse to get off, we end up benefiting from the fact that we get a cleaner house while they subsequently feel the burn of their misdemeanor!
On that note, it’s important to keep in mind that your child is likely going to hate the consequence. Not a bad thing. That’s why it’s called a consequence. The problem, however, is when the restorative method turns out not to be very restorative at all, and the youth becomes more devious as a result. If this is what’s happening, then it’s time to re-engineer the consequence. It’s okay to be an annoying parent, but it’s not okay if your methods are forcing them to leave the house, or if you’re noticing a decline in the relationship itself.
Build and maintain rapport with your child
In his book Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, William Pollack discusses the fundamental hunger that boys have for direction and guidance. Through countless case examples, Pollack explains how the absence of deliberate and mindful parenting (typically among fathers) can often leave a boy to gravitate towards alternative (and typically lesser) forms of modeling. Adolescents naturally shuffle their way closer to people who seem to understand them. In the gaming world, accordingly, they are likely to feel a sense of understanding and recognition, never mind that the majority of their gaming ‘partners’ know little to nothing about them. As Oscar Wilde once wrote, there is a “degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands.”
Above all things, boys need the fond attention of their parents. Beyond this, they need to know that their parents are on their side and that they’re rooting for them. In this respect, one of the advantages of gaming is that it can actually provide a vehicle for parents to connect with their adolescent child. As tempting as it may be for some parents (such as myself) to raise a public witch-hunt against gaming in front of a child, there’s a risk that this will instead be interpreted as a direct disapproval of your kid. Alternatively, looking for ways to show interest in the game, and especially your child’s personal likes and opinions of the game itself, will help your child feel as though their interests are important to you. That’s what you’re going for here.
Building a conversation about the game itself can prevent young boys from feeling as though the gaming world and the world of their parents are polarized from each other. At best, it will corrode the divide between gaming and family, and a child can feel safer in expressing this extremely important part of their life with you.
And yes, it is possible to pair this kind of rapport with a healthy measure of consequences in the event that your child breaks the rules.
Create bonding opportunities
As busy as you likely already are in life, it’s very important to carve out personal time for you and your child to spend exclusively together. As much as they may assert otherwise, boys need time away from their screens, as well as away from their countless multitudes of online peers.
Specifically, time spent outside the home while engaged in a concrete task or activity is where this is going to be most effective. Being at home can often be associated with gaming itself, so any kind of activity that departs from this preferred outlet can easily be met with a lackluster response or, worse yet, outright resistance. Finding an outlet that is outside the familiar domain of the home, however, can be quite rewarding for both parent and youth. As Pollack himself points out, young boys are typically more apt to open up emotionally when they are engaged in a shared activity with their parent.
But the point here is not to give direct focus on the child’s thoughts and feelings either. Trying to get your kid to open up and ‘feel the bond’ is a pretty quick way of earning the designation ‘weird clingy parent’ – and you can surely expect them to clam up.
Instead, just focus on building a shared experience for the two of you. This is often enough. Take the time to slow down, focus on the activity, and allow your son to come out of his shell on his own. And if he doesn’t do it the first few times around, then just keep doing it anyway. As Pollack points out: “Boys are immensely loving and they yearn for relationships far more than we have ever recognized…we don’t fully understand that boys are reaching out for human relationships when they actually are.”
At the very least, any meaningful and deliberate time you spend with him is going to serve as a much-needed balm to his over-stimulated brain. The emphasis here is supportive attention. Give your son the gift of your time and your judgment-free energy. This kind of gift, repeated over time, will act as a protein-rich deposit like no other. And when conducted through the means of an enjoyable, hands-on recreational activity, the love he feels from you is sure to act as a powerful, cerebral rebuttal against whatever chemical violation he is experiencing in front of his screen. As Pollack neatly advises:
Even at a very young age, boys may show their love not so much with words but through action. The early ability to ‘attach’ – in the terminology of psychologists – refers to a child’s capacity to develop intimate, powerful emotional bonds to others, such as his mother and father and his peers. Research shows that boys have this ability as much as girls do, yet their typical attachment styles often differ from those of girls.
That all being said, I think it is wise to stay alert to the dangers of online gaming, but it’s also very important to remain calm and optimistic as well. Remember, your child isn’t actively trying to ruin his cognitive functioning and, most likely, his intention isn’t to defy you or undermine your authority.
If you can somehow deflect the sense of irritation and anger that might come up for you over the course of these issues, your best bet is to focus on simply loving your child. Your sincere love, expressed through persistent involvement, mutual solution-planning and healthy consequences – in the long run – might just have an impact you didn’t expect.
At the end of the day, your child wants you to parent them. The last thing they want is for you to back out.
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